Somehow, we’ve made it to the final week of this crap heap without busting a lung, and for what? Probably to watch Osher remove melanomas from Jarrod’s eyes with a mimosa straw. And while gazing on with our hands in a packet of Crispy M&Ms as Uncle Sam builds a double storey townhouse out of sticks, and Keira drinks dirty pool water out of martini glass, we all know we’ve chimed in at 7:30pm on a Sunday night for a lot less.
Here are 23 thoughts we had during last night’s episode of Bachelor In Paradise.
The episode opens with Jarrod wearing a long sleeve shirt THANK GAWD. Him and Keira then take a trip down Mimosa Lane to reminisce about all the times they dumped each other and then reconciled their alliance to survive tribal council. Keira looks like she bashed a nun and stole her jewellery but Jarrod makes her heart melt by confessing that ever since she slipped into his DMs, he’s carried some of her dead skin cells in a vial around his neck. In an act of love, he feeds his ‘baby bird’ by dribbling champagne into her mouth and then sweeps Keira off to a private hut where the reflection from the infinity pool makes them look like they’re from two different species. Jarrod’s slowly working up the courage to ask Keira to chain herself to his kitchen sink and is quashing his nerves by chanting Sophie’s name quite audibly from the other end of the couch. Keira finds it an immediate turn-on and asks Wais to quickly tattoo his face across her oesophagus. Meanwhile, Grant and Ali have stumbled upon a dilapidated Vespa in the jungle and hotwire it to cut laps around the island and wolf whistle at girls with long hair and legs. We’re then forced to sit through a six-minute flashback of Ali sitting on Grant’s lap and chewing his ear off both metaphorically AND physically. Grant starts bragging about how far along global warming is in LA and Ali starts letting go of the friendships and career she’d spent the last two decades building, because the patriarchy called and they want their brain-dead lady slave back. The couple are travelling through a third world village in $400 active wear, giving malnourished children high-fives, when Grant decides he wants to put a ring on this Sheila if she does decide to piss her life away and move halfway across the world. After they go off to freshen up and do some quick Jagerbombs, Ali walks out in a silk Peter Alexander two-piece pyjama suit and Grant appears dressed as Hugh Grant from The Greatest Showman. Ali confesses that she adores her friends and her job, and Grant calls bullshit and offers to pay for unlimited snowboarding lessons if she moves continents for him. Coincidentally Ali’s a mad shredder and agrees to leave everything she’s ever known behind to pursue a career as a full-time kitchen b*tch. Finally, the cameraman tracks down Tara and Uncle Sam smooching on a faraway mountain lookout where the two of them walk Osher through a DIY hut reno they’ve secretly been doing while the rest of the couples bathe in extra virgin olive oil and lay outside on pieces of corrugated iron. Osh leaves a trail of breadcrumbs and invitations to co-host The Project to a pop-up restaurant set up in the Rotunda of Romance, where the two of them are taught how to make a tropical spag bol. Six seconds later, and without any context, they’re dressed to the nines sipping on Bailey’s in the good room and having a D&M on life and love after The Island. The producer obviously had a bloody hard task turning this scene into anything other than a couple of loved up tweens in the ads, because the only thing in doubt about these two is if they could make it through one family lunch at Hogsbreath without getting handsy. The last couple to get the This Is Your Life treatment is ‘close friends’ and synchronised diving partners, Jake and Meghan, who hope to have each other’s names down pat by the commitment ceremony tomorrow night. We then have to sit through the footage of Meghan pashing a man with long hair who is not a woman, reminding half the country that they were supposed to stop watching this shit weeks ago. Jake then invites her to play a game of water quoits but Meghan refuses because she can’t shake the feeling that he’s a flaming idiot. Meghan makes him cross his heart and hope to die and stick a pin in his eye to prove that he won’t touch another woman’s lovely lady lumps while she’s touring the Greek islands on a party yacht. Although initially hesitant, Jake agrees to her terms but quietly whispers ‘not’ under his breath, rendering the verbal contract null and void. I can’t believe there’s only one episode left of this cancerous dribble. I’m going to miss it so much.Image credit: TenPlay